Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.