Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
You Might Also Like
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.