I’ve been drinking.
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom