Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
the saddest jazz hands ever