told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.