Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
#Caturday
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Simple enough.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*