We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.