It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…