My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?