It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
This makes total sense…
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Erm…
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.