Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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Yes, this is exactly right
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture