No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
i can’t wait that long
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones