I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too