The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Clients after you give them your rates
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Milk Cube
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.