“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.