Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
bout dat hot dog summer
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over