me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.