I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
nyc:
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.