*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
meanwhile over on facebook
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
More like Kate Missington.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.