[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.