Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.