Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
You Might Also Like
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
No laws when master is gone
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.