The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
You Might Also Like
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television