Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
How do you milk an almond?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]