I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
This one’s “Alex”.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?