I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Google Pay be like:
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.