If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.