MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong