Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
God has left this place
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it