I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!