*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.