When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
This fish is cracking me up
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Growing out my freckles.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”