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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
seems fine
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.