Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!