The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m going to need a moment here.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.