If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.