i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Your honor these allegations are
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm