Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You Might Also Like
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it