Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
the last thing a carrot sees
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Cats are still liquid.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.