Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
reminder
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.