[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you