I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.