The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…