Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
You Might Also Like
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him