Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.