[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.