i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday