follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.