ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever