“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔